Haven't I hit my limit!?!?

Well…..My little Ava Poo, Ava Baby, Honey Pie…the nicknames go on and on….she is 17 months now….and not walking yet.

Ava broke her leg the week of her 1st birthday. So we figured that it would take her some time to get moving. Aubrie (bib sis)didn't walk until 16 months but was crawling by 10 months or so. Ava had no interest to even move before she broker her leg or after. That wasn't such a bad thing as I juggle working full time, being a mom and wife full time and taking care of a house full time. So even though I knew Ava was a little delayed I didn't think much about it. It wasn't until about August that the cast came off Ava's leg and she still had no interest to really move. By September she had started to do a backwards scoot and by October she was twirling around in a butt scoot to get to things. At this point we knew the kind of movements she was doing were not up to speed of where she should be and so my mom suggested meeting with the school district to start Physical Therapy to help get her on track. Ava qualified right away for therapy but the school district wanted us to get her checked out with the doctor to rule out anything medical that could be a problem. So I made the appt. with our doctor…both kids having an appointment at the same time and needless to say it was not short and not easy. The doctor told me that he was not sure what Ava could have and it could by some kind of Hypotonia but again not sure and that he was referring us to Gilette Childrens to see a neurologist because they are the best and that is where he would want his kids to be seen.

So fast forward 1 month to Tuesday December 17th. We met with an amazing Neurologist at Gilette Children's for over and hour. She was so thorough and played with Ava talked to us and decided that there is nothing dramatic enough to tell us Ava's delay in walking/bearing weight on her legs is because of "A B or C". She stated that she thinks Ava may need Physical Therapy 2-3 times / week and that we need to do an MRI. The MRI will be of her brain and spine and then an x-ray of her hips and blood work. That appt. is set for Jan. 2nd. We will then follow up with the doctor on Jan. 7th to decipher what exactly she thinks Ava has or be refereed out from there.

The best part is that we are being proactive and figuring out what is going on. The worst part is that right now I don't know what is going on and have to weight and that can be exhausting, draining,etc.

I am really trying not to worry right now as why worry when I don't know what it is. However, the mom in me worries that my baby girl may not be able to walk and explore life "normally" her normal may be different from everyone else. If that is the case it will be ok and we will figure it out. It is just the emotions of the hopes and dreams you have for your kids and the reality that it may be totally different than anything you ever expected for them.

Then the thought crosses my mind, God why are you doing this to us? Haven't we beared enough with the loss of babies and the difficulty that loss brought to life? My dear friend Natalie reminded me that it is so hard to not think like this, " Well I lost a child so I should be exempt from there being anything wrong with my other kids." However I don't get a "Get out of Jail Free" card. My child may have something the matter with her little legs and the pain I have gone through in my life already has no place here. But why is God giving us more? Am I really that strong that I can deal with a child that could possibly have a handicap? (I know that sounds just awful but these are real feelings I have. So if you are offended you can quit reading. This blog is called "My life as it is" for a reason.) Haven' I hit my limit in life of all I can handle when it comes to my children? I truly believe God doesn't give you more than you can handle….so I guess I am one tough cookie! right?

So…in conclusion (I feel like I am writing a college essay all of a sudden) I wait….thankfully it is Christmas time and we are busy with the Holidays and everything that entails. Thankfully I have an amazing support system of people that love me and pray for me and most of all Ava. I truly feel like I have had so much peace with all of this so far because people are praying for me. I am not one to over spiritualize anything but for one of the first times in my life I truly feel like I can feel peoples prayers and have so much more peace than just doing this on my own. Now that doesn't mean I don't have emotions/questions and frustrations with all of this. I just feel an all over more peacefulness about it than I myself probably would have.

So my limit - I would like to say God I have reached it….but that may not be Gods plans for little Ava Poo, Ava Baby, Honey Pie….we will see what God has in store for her and I will deal with it and work through whatever it may be. God made Ava perfect exactly how she is whether that means her walking on 2 feet or not. She is perfect and a joy. I love my little baby girl.

One thing is for certain. God made my children perfect. The are whole and complete and beautiful little ones. Thankful I have friends in my life that can remind me of that while I wait to hear the outcome of our appointment for Ava on Dec. 17th.

Oh - and my house is a mess tonight and I don't care….going to enjoy a glass of wine and go to bed.

The end!

God is Good. I am Blessed.

Obviously my last point of "Am I back" was a no go. I find myself barely having time on my hands to take a shower with 2 littles ones let alone have time to sit down and put my thoughts of the day out there for the world to read.

This is what I have to say for the past 11 months. It has been good. God is good. I feel blessed.....and then it brings me to today. Anxiousness, stress, loss of patience, feeling of sadness. It may not seem like that big of a deal to many, but my little Ava will be 16 months on Nov. 13th and she is still not crawling on her knees and hands and won't bear weight on her feet. She did break her leg at 1 year old and had an adorable pink cast for 3 weeks. So with that being said yes maybe she is just behind from that. However, my brain won't stop spinning. I guess it is just a Mom-thing to worry. Worry that if there is something a matter with her little legs she will be different than the rest and limited to things. The picture I have for her life and our lives won't be the same. So why you ask am I jumping to conclusions when so far all doctors have thought she is fine. Because I am a mom dang it! I want the absolute best for my baby. My eyes well with tears thinking of a chance of her not being able to walk.

We take things for granted in life. I realize I took for granted the use of an index finger and how one little finger on your hand that you use to point at things and scratch your head and get that one last bit of peanut butter out of the jar seem like nothing until you are unable to move it and then the surgery and then it is never the same. I have a gimpy finger  now for life and the pain I still feel in my joints at times is a constant reminder of how I almost lost my finger. Thank God for his love and care and how he watches over and protects us. Amazing how until my little Ava is walking I have taken for granted how healthy I am and Luke and Aubrie and I realize how I take for granted the normal every day little things like getting out of bed in the morning and walking around on 2 perfectly good legs God gave me.

So why you ask don't I take some of my own advice towards my daughter.  She will be ok, God is watching over her and protecting her and wants the best for her. The Devil. Damn him! He sneaks in and is happy that I dwell on the what-if's and the doubts creep in more and more and next thing you know I can barely hold myself together with the fear I hold inside.

I am a mom. I love Jesus and I need Him. So friends (if there are any that would possibly even read this anymore). I need your help. I need your prayers. This next week until we have an appointment with our MD. Pray that I find peace and Trust in the Almighty. That God will direct my thoughts and my focus will turn on HIM and the Goodness and Blessing he wants to give to Ava and me and our family.

God is good. I am blessed. Learning to Trust in Him. The end.