Last weekend was busy, but fun. Ana's bachelorette was tons of fun, Too much fun even!

Soothe the Pain....with clothes!

Ok, I was feeling bad for myself, so I went to Plato's Closet. I got a dress, a skirt, a tank, and 2 really cute bags for $34!

Also, I did set up a time to meet w/ a counselor on Tuesday at 5pm.

Nichole, thank you for your words of advice.....oh I miss my baby Gus! :)

Yesterday...

Yesterday around noon I headed to my dad’s office to get a treatment, he is a Chiropractor and I have been getting work done on my right arm because I type too much and am now getting tendonitis. Lovely…..

Anyways….many of you may not know this, but Little Brian Lucas is buried at Maple Knoll Cemetery in Maple Grove. Luke and I were given a plot from Tammy Roelofs. Tammy’s husband Dan died about 5 years ago or so….and she gave us a plot right next to Dan. There is much more behind it than that. Dan was my first youth pastor, someone very close to our family and so is Tammy. Since Tammy has re-married and moved to Washington, so I wasn’t sure when I would see her again.

Tammy was at my dad’s office yesterday. When I saw her she gave me the biggest hug and looked into my eyes and said, “I am so sorry.” I told her thank you, for giving us the plot and then the tears came. She said, “It will come and go, and hit you at different times and that is okay.” It was so good to see her and yet so hard. Yesterday, needless too say was very difficult after that. I went back to work, but was too emotional, so I left and met my mom at Caribou for some good mother-daughter bonding time.

My mom and I discussed me seeing a counselor. She said that I have been doing very well, but it may be good to have someone to talk to. I also think I just need help in knowing how to deal with what I am feeling. So a friend of my parents is a therapist and I hopefully will be meeting with her soon.

I ended up heading back to work yesterday afternoon to find the office a bit warm. We then realized that the air had stopped working and it got to 83 degrees in our office! I couldn’t take it! I thought I was going to lose it….thankfully the last few hours went by pretty quick and at 5pm I was out the door and in my car blasting the cold air straight at my face!

Yesterday was interesting, I still have so many emotions…and it is still so hard, thankfully I have amazing support around me.

Pictures from the weekend

Melt Down 101

I think that I could teach a class on having a melt down. This past weekend was quite exhausting for me, mentally that is.

The first of everything since little Brian has been extremely difficult. Friday night we were at a wedding and I was very emotional, well first weddings always make me cry, but for some reason I had anxiety being there. The wedding was beautiful, I got to see old friends, dance, get hit on by and Indian man and eat mashed potatoes out of a Martini glass. So all in all it was a good night.

Then Saturday I had coffee with a dear friend of mine from college who I haven’t seen in over 2 years! It was so good to connect with Robbie and tell him about what has happened in my life. I wish that we saw him more!

Saturday for dinner Luke and I met some college friends at PF Chang’s. It was so good to see everyone, but it also made me sad. Sad that we don’t get to hang out like we used to. Strange to see how life has changed and our lives have brought us in different directions.

Then the meltdown. Sunday morning I woke up and just felt sad. I know it is ok, but I am sick of it. Sick of feeling sad, feeling angry and like I can’t handle life!
I just want it all to go away, but it won’t. I thankfully have a friend who is so amazing and knows exactly what to say. She thinks that she doesn't have all the right words, but she does. She is someone who can tell me something even if I don’t want to hear and I can just cry to her and tell her I hate life and hate everyone and everything and I can feel her hugs through the phone.

I was freaking out yesterday, crying all afternoon. Then my husband came home and I let him have it. I seriously love him more than anyone in this world and I need him so much that I push him away. I know it is the way I am dealing with my grief, but it sucks. I try to not react and deal with the grief how I do, but sometimes I can’t control it. I hate that I need my husband so much that I don’t know how to communicate that to him with out yelling and crying. Thankfully my husband is an AMAZING man and is so patient with me and won’t let me do crazy things. What I mean, is that I wanted to leave yesterday. I wanted to take my dogs w/ me and go to the cabin for the night and call in to work today. I didn’t care about anything. But he didn’t let me go. Oh I tried. I tried leaving the house, but he parked his car behind mine and sat in it. I was stuck….I know you all are thinking that I really am crazy….but this is me and my life as it is….and this is why it is hard and sucks sometimes…

After a 2 ½ hour nap, I woke up and made dinner for Luke and I. I was finally calm, I still felt so sad, but my emotions had calmed down. We ate dinner in pretty much silence, and then watched some TV and ate root beer floats.

Yesterday was hard. Today hopefully will be easier….but I guess this is how it is still, good and bad, easy and hard. Oy Vay!

The Best Neighbors Ever!

I have the best neighbors ever!

Luke and I are really lucky to have such nice neighbors that live next door. Erica and Ben always offer to let me dogs out when we are going to be home late, feed my dogs, let them play with their beagle Sammy and even walk them! They are the best...everyone should be jealous! :)

Tonight we are gone to a wedding of one of our friends from college. It should be fun! I am most excited about my new outfit I bought. I found a really cute green dress at Marshalls for $16.99! I will post pics. this weekend.

Last night a college friend came into town. Luke and I have not seen Robbie since we were in Montana for his wedding over 2 years ago! It has been a while. It was so good to see him last night. I am looking forward to spending more time with him tonight at the wedding.

Until next time....

YOU CAN DO IT!

Thank you, thank you very much....no applause necessary, come on now.

I made the BEST dinner last night. I actually took time to go to the grocery store and buy ingredients for a recipe and make it. I made, Creamy chicken w/ broccoli and bow tie pasta! It was to die for! Chicken w/ a creamy red sauce mmmmm.....

I must give some credit to Jessie for giving me this fabulous recipe. I figured that it is about time for my husband to see my true talent in cooking :) But again, thanks to Jessie I accomplished this fabulous meal by thinking about her encouraging words, YOU CAN DO IT! (think of those words spoken the way the guy did on Waterboy)

Like a child

Tonight I was at my work party. It was really fun, I haven't been bowling in so long. I even broke 100! I was very proud of myself.

My boss had his little girl there. She just turned 3 years old and is the cutes little thing. She got to use one of those things that you set the ball on and push it and it rolls down into the lane. Well every time anyone would go up to throw the ball she would scream and yell YEA and clap her hands. It was so freakin' cute! The best part of all of it was watching Luke and the way he looked at this adorable little girl. He looked at her with such a great smile on his face, such a adoring look, it made me happy and sad all at the same time. I don't' know when our time will be, but I can't wait for the day when Luke gets to look at our child and have the biggest smile on his face knowing that the beautiful, healthy, alive child is his.

Oh, to have the life of a child again...getting excited at seeing people bowl...wouldn't that be nice!

Singing Bee

Has anyone seen the new show Singing Bee? Luke and I watched it last week. It is awesome!!!! Right now I am listening to Queen, Bicycle Race, " I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride my bike...." What a great song!!!!

Anyways the show, Singing Bee, you have to finish the song, they play a little and you have to sing the rest of the line in the song, singing the right words...it is awesome. I am convinced that my husband should be on the show. Every time a song comes on the radio he is singing and he knows who is singing it and what the song is. He even knows all the ghetto songs! I think he secretly listens to the ghetto music when he is in the car by himself. I guess Luke can just be my little singing bee! :)

On a more serious note....I am doing pretty good. It is good to get away on the weekend, I love being at my cabin. There is something about it that is comforting. I do enjoy just being with my family.

I have been going back in forth with feeling that I want a baby one day, and the next I don't. What I mean is that one day I want to start trying to get pregnant, and the next I am don't. So from this I have concluded that I need to not try until I know one way or the next! I have been telling Bethany that I just really feel like I need to learn to be content where life is at right now....it is really hard.

I would like to welcome Bethany to reading my blog! She has never read it before, and tonight I emailed her the link. So, WELCOME BETHANY!!!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!

Finally...Pictures of THE DECK

So I finally have pictures to put on of my deck thanks to my friend Jessie. I am sad to say I never have a camera anymore because my husband thinks it is fun to take the camera to work and use it to take pictures of houses he is working on....he is SO wrong.

The camera should be with the woman! He never takes good pictures anyways! For example last night I was actually excited to take pictures of flowers in my garden, so I did. Next thing I know he deletes the pictures because he says he needs space for pics. he has to take at work. I am thinking I may just go out an by myself a new camera? Don't you think?

So here are the deck pictures. I must say that I did help in building the deck! I used some kind of saw and cut the balusters so they would be angled at the end, thank you very much!

Not fun....

Last night was just horrible! I was so upset about yesterday and totally took it out on my husband.

As I walked into the doctors office yesterday my heart started pounding. The ultrasound person took me into the room and introduced herself and said to me, " Have you ever had an ultrasound before?" She was the same person that did the ultrasound of little Brian, hello idiot! You were the one who told me my baby would die!!!!! That is what I wanted to say, but instead, I replied, "yes."

As I was lying there on the table all the memories were flooding back. She showed me that everything was ok. The worst part was she wanted to listen to the blood flow through my ovaries. It sounded kind of what it sounds like when you listen to your babies heart beat. It seriously was like a slap in the face.

Anyways so I struggled through the whole day at work yesterday and then exploded when Luke got home. I was so upset and didn't know how to communicate to him that I needed him. So instead I was mad at him and yelling and crying....it wasn't a very good night.

I realized that I really want a baby, but even if I was pregnant right now it would be hard because it wouldn't be little Brian Lucas. I work myself up into a tizzy! Then after I work myself up I realize how crazy I am!

Today is a new day and I am hoping it will be better....let's hope so.

Wii Pictures

I thought I would post some pictures of the Kurbis's and the Peterson's Wii-ing it up!



Look at our great style.

I

Results

I am fine.

Ultrasound

So I am really nervous because in about an hour and a half I have to get an ultrasound because I keep bleeding. Not something to fun to talk about, but I really would love to go to the ultrasound and here them say, " Oh my gosh! You are pregnant!" But I know that isn't going to happen, so I am already let down and sad. I have to go to this appt. to hear I am sure that there is nothing wrong with me and it is just my hormones and that I am not pregnant. The last time I had an ultrasound I found out that Little Brian would not live, maybe that is why I feel like screaming and crying again!

If you think of it pray for me. I will update again after I get back. My appt. is today at 11:15am.