I think that I could teach a class on having a melt down. This past weekend was quite exhausting for me, mentally that is.
The first of everything since little Brian has been extremely difficult. Friday night we were at a wedding and I was very emotional, well first weddings always make me cry, but for some reason I had anxiety being there. The wedding was beautiful, I got to see old friends, dance, get hit on by and Indian man and eat mashed potatoes out of a Martini glass. So all in all it was a good night.
Then Saturday I had coffee with a dear friend of mine from college who I haven’t seen in over 2 years! It was so good to connect with Robbie and tell him about what has happened in my life. I wish that we saw him more!
Saturday for dinner Luke and I met some college friends at PF Chang’s. It was so good to see everyone, but it also made me sad. Sad that we don’t get to hang out like we used to. Strange to see how life has changed and our lives have brought us in different directions.
Then the meltdown. Sunday morning I woke up and just felt sad. I know it is ok, but I am sick of it. Sick of feeling sad, feeling angry and like I can’t handle life!
I just want it all to go away, but it won’t. I thankfully have a friend who is so amazing and knows exactly what to say. She thinks that she doesn't have all the right words, but she does. She is someone who can tell me something even if I don’t want to hear and I can just cry to her and tell her I hate life and hate everyone and everything and I can feel her hugs through the phone.
I was freaking out yesterday, crying all afternoon. Then my husband came home and I let him have it. I seriously love him more than anyone in this world and I need him so much that I push him away. I know it is the way I am dealing with my grief, but it sucks. I try to not react and deal with the grief how I do, but sometimes I can’t control it. I hate that I need my husband so much that I don’t know how to communicate that to him with out yelling and crying. Thankfully my husband is an AMAZING man and is so patient with me and won’t let me do crazy things. What I mean, is that I wanted to leave yesterday. I wanted to take my dogs w/ me and go to the cabin for the night and call in to work today. I didn’t care about anything. But he didn’t let me go. Oh I tried. I tried leaving the house, but he parked his car behind mine and sat in it. I was stuck….I know you all are thinking that I really am crazy….but this is me and my life as it is….and this is why it is hard and sucks sometimes…
After a 2 ½ hour nap, I woke up and made dinner for Luke and I. I was finally calm, I still felt so sad, but my emotions had calmed down. We ate dinner in pretty much silence, and then watched some TV and ate root beer floats.
Yesterday was hard. Today hopefully will be easier….but I guess this is how it is still, good and bad, easy and hard. Oy Vay!
My Family
4 comments:
I'm sorry Ali. Believe me - I have been where you are - including "leaving". I usually make it around the block before I come back home. I actually had a melt down last night before bed. I miss Allen Michael. I want Allen Michael. Being pregnant reminds me of the only time I knew Allen Michael. Thank God for Allen Matthew. He lets me cry until it's too much. Last night I told him "I feel like I need to crawl out of my skin!" and starting shaking. That's when he stopped me. Made me look him in the eyes and told me I needed to stop. And I did. He was right. Husbands are so good. We are very blessed girls. I love you and continue to pray for you (and Luke) as you go through this sucky time. I wish I could tell you it will go away someday but it won't. It will get better though. I know this.
It was good to talk to you. People should really just think before they speak. I remember doing nursery once shortly after Allen died and I was holding a little boy that was born just about month before Allen and one of the other workers says to me, "Do you like boy babies more now because your baby was a boy?" WHAT??? I just smiled and said that I still like all babies, boy or girl. People suck sometimes!
People are unbelievable...
I love you Ali! I like your blogs. You're a real person and that is one of the many reasons why I love being around you.
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