Score Zero for 3

I got in the car Friday morning and was listening to K102. Of course the first thing they start talking about is a Retreat Center called Faith's Lodge. A couple started it who lost their daughter and it is for couple's to go who have lost children. Well this guy wrote a song about his daughter and put it to music. Yes, at 6:30am, there I am already crying on my way to the doctor. I didn't torture myself too long. I heard the first sentence of the song and changed the station right away.

We sat their in the waiting room not understanding how doctors are really the only professional that can get away with taking their lovely own time in getting to you. At least that conversation made the 15 minutes we had to wait not seem to drag on too long.
We met with a tech for the ultrasound, after about 20 minutes of a level 2 ultrasound the doctor came in and confirmed the information we were expecting. Our 3rd baby has a very rare neural tube defect called Anencephaly. The doctor talked to us for a little bit about our options and then asked a question, "So do you have any living children then?" "NO" we replied as tears streamed down my face. That question was like a knife to my heart. At that point I felt so broken and hopeless. Will we ever be able to have "living children" of our own? I don't know.

I actually went to work yesterday after our appointment. I of course had some moments of tears, but survived until 4:30pm. Luke and I headed to Hawks in Monticello for some nice fattening burgers and when we got home the only thing I wanted to do was go see my adopted kids, the Olin's. My neighbor has 4 kids, 3 girls and a boy. We spend a lot of time with Matt and Angie Olin and their kids. I love that their kids know me so well that when they see me they start running and saying, "Hi Ali". So I headed to the Olin's and sat on the couch with all 4 kids and watched Baby Einstein. It may seem odd to you, but that was exactly what I needed. It made me feel so much better having those kids snuggle up against me.

So many questions go through my head about the future. I mean lets face it. This is/was my 3rd pregnancy. That is A LOT on a woman's body, even if you don't make it full term. And not to mention all the crap this does to me emotionally.

I have so many questions and will hopefully get answers. Luke and I will probably have testing done on us to make sure our Chromosomal makeup is OK. We are going to ask to be referred to the UofM so we can see specialists and get this figured out!

Surgery is scheduled for me on Wednesday at 11:15am. My mom is taking the day off of work to be with me and then I am taking Thursday off work as well, my doctor said I will probably have a lot of cramping since I will be almost 14 weeks.

This morning I woke up and walked into our front guest bedroom to open the blinds. I turned around and saw the bassinet that my neighbor and I bought together and it obviously is at my house now because it was supposed to be my turn to use it. Tear started flowing. I am sure I will have many of those moments in the coming weeks. But I just keep telling myself that I made it throught losing 2 babies, I can make it through 3.

Please continue your prayer for us as I know they will be much needed in the coming days and week. I will let you know how I am doing.
As Luke said to someone on the phone ysterday, our score is zero out of 3 right now, hopefully someday that score will have a positive for us.
For now, it is one day at a time.