After a long weekend it was right back to work I went! I definitely will have put in well over 40 hours by the end of the week.

I am doing ok. Waiting to get test results back from the doctor to see if it was a boy or a girl and if the baby had normal chromosomes.

Luke has been really busy lately. He is coaching the Wayzata Squirt A Team for hockey this year and they have been having practices on Mondays and Wednesdays for the month of October to get the kids ready for the season. So, Luke hasn't been home those days until almost 10pm. I guess I will soon learn what it is like to be a "hockey mom" without a kid in hockey.

Other than work for me and hockey for Luke, things are going fine, just plugging away at work and trying to be as "normal" as I can be.

I never posted any pics. from our weekend in Duluth, so here are a few.

She Said "Yes to the Dress"

We had a great weekend in Chicago. On Saturday afternoon Sari said "Yes to the Dress!" For any of you who watch that show on TLC, "Say Yes to the Dress" you will understand. It was a great weekend, good food, good company and Great Shopping!
After Sari decided on her dress we enjoy some Prosecco at the Walnut Room at Macy's.

The highlights of our trip were:
**Sari finding her dress!

**Seeing Clinton Kelly from what not to wear....Yes, my mom went chasing after him :)

**Meeting our cousin Charlie for lunch

**Good girl time w/ my mom and sista!

It was a great weekend and fun to be in a different city.

It's back to work I go

I had a very difficult day on Sunday. I went to church with my mom and thankfully had Ana to sit next to me for support. I had a few melt downs during the service but survived. I was proud of myself for making that step, it was a hard one.
I am learning that I have never really dealt with any of the loss's I have had and now have to. I can't find other things in life, work, relationships, etc. to replace or push aside dealing with the grief that I need to work through.

I started back at work yesterday and was thrown right into it. I forgot that I left at the end of the month and had a lot of cleanup to do on all my files being back. I really am enjoying my job but desperately miss everyone at Executive that I used to work with. I miss that family atmosphere.

I know it isn't much but I gained a little wait being pregnant and to make myself feel better I started working out again this past Saturday. I ran Saturday and Sunday my 2 mile loop and then the past 2 nights went on the Elliptical for 30 minutes. My goal is to run in a 5K on Thanksgiving morning! I forget how it is so hard at first to get started working out, but once those endorphins get pumping it feels great. I am hoping that working out will also help my energy level and keep me sain. I feel like I can get out aggression or something when I exercise.

Thursday my mom, Sari and I leave for Chicago. We are staying right on Navy Peer and will be wedding dress shopping for Sari and just plain old shopping. It should be a good girls weekend and good bonding with my mom and sister.

That's all for now........GO TWINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

Life goes on

My mom looked over and chuckled at me as I sat in the waiting room of the hospital holding the book I have been reading in my hand. "Why did you bring a book?" She aska, I replied, "Because remember last time how long I had to wait in the waiting room." We both kind of chuckled then at the ridiculousness of me bringing a book. Maybe it was for comfort or to try to make myself feel better for what was ahead, I don't know. Of course then about 2 minutes later a nurse called my name and I was back changing into a beautiful purple gown that hooks up to these tubes and inflates your gown to keep you warm.
After getting all the normal information from me, I met with my doctor and then the anesthesiologist. I made sure this time to let everyone know that they cannot give me an IV in my left hand, it doesn't work and they HAD to use my right hand. (Last time they poked me 4 times in my left hand before going to the right and I am never able to give blood from my left arm either...weird) Also, I made sure to let the doctor know that I get really sick after anesthesia, they said they would give me different medicines to help with that.

Luke wasn't able to be with me yesterday because it was the last day of the month and last day of the quarter for him, which was just fine with me since I would just be out of it after surgery anyways.

Getting my IV went fine, I wiggled my toes as normal and closed my eyes as I felt the "prick, then burn" as they try and gently explain it. So purple gown on, robe around my shoulders and IV in my right hand, I walked with the nurse anesthetist to the OR. I got in the room not much bigger than our downstairs bedroom here with bright lights all around me and a table of all the different tools my doctor would need. The nurse had me lay down on the OR table and they stretched my arms out on each side of me. Next thing I new I was looking up at this big lights and the tears just started coming. Again, for the 3rd time, I would go home from the same hospital without a baby in my arms. As that last thought went through my mind, the next thing I new I was back in my room slowly waking up. I can remember my doctor coming in and saying that everything went just fine. Thankfully this time the anesthesiologist took many precautions to help me with nausea so I wasn't getting sick after I woke up.

So yesterday my mom got me home around 3pm. I was in bed the rest of the day waking up here and there as my mom left and Luke came home. I nibbled on a couple crackers and drank Fanta (a must have in the Peterson house) and thought how I hated this part. I hate the part where now I have to move forward. No matter what life goes on just as it did before and I am left for the 3rd time now without a baby and this time without knowing if that is a possibility for Luke and I for the future. Thankfully I have the rest of the week and weekend to take the time I need emotionally and then starting Monday, life is back to normal....or Life Goes On. That is just the reality.

I had a 12 hour day at work yesterday to try and prepare for being gone for the next 3 days. Thankfully I have great co-workers and a manager that is very understanding. Though last night I slept horrible waking up here and there and dreaming about work. It is the end of the month, so SUPER busy for me.

This morning I woke up and had to take medicine to start thinning out my cervix, yes a little too much info.....but I can already feel myself cramping. It is sad. So today at 10am my mom and I leave for the hospital. I am really scared this time for some reason. I for one just hate hospitals and it just feels like I am reliving everything over again and again.

I am sure everything will go just fine. Thanks to all friends and family for your prayers and support.

Taking Time

I decided I will need to take the rest of the week off after Wednesday's appointment. I not only need to take care of myself physically but emotionally. Now is the time to be sad and deal with grief, not later. So that is what I intend to do. I am not going to just sit and mope, but I am going to actually allow myself to grieve. Something I didn't do well the first 2 times and something I need to do to take care of myself now.

Score Zero for 3

I got in the car Friday morning and was listening to K102. Of course the first thing they start talking about is a Retreat Center called Faith's Lodge. A couple started it who lost their daughter and it is for couple's to go who have lost children. Well this guy wrote a song about his daughter and put it to music. Yes, at 6:30am, there I am already crying on my way to the doctor. I didn't torture myself too long. I heard the first sentence of the song and changed the station right away.

We sat their in the waiting room not understanding how doctors are really the only professional that can get away with taking their lovely own time in getting to you. At least that conversation made the 15 minutes we had to wait not seem to drag on too long.
We met with a tech for the ultrasound, after about 20 minutes of a level 2 ultrasound the doctor came in and confirmed the information we were expecting. Our 3rd baby has a very rare neural tube defect called Anencephaly. The doctor talked to us for a little bit about our options and then asked a question, "So do you have any living children then?" "NO" we replied as tears streamed down my face. That question was like a knife to my heart. At that point I felt so broken and hopeless. Will we ever be able to have "living children" of our own? I don't know.

I actually went to work yesterday after our appointment. I of course had some moments of tears, but survived until 4:30pm. Luke and I headed to Hawks in Monticello for some nice fattening burgers and when we got home the only thing I wanted to do was go see my adopted kids, the Olin's. My neighbor has 4 kids, 3 girls and a boy. We spend a lot of time with Matt and Angie Olin and their kids. I love that their kids know me so well that when they see me they start running and saying, "Hi Ali". So I headed to the Olin's and sat on the couch with all 4 kids and watched Baby Einstein. It may seem odd to you, but that was exactly what I needed. It made me feel so much better having those kids snuggle up against me.

So many questions go through my head about the future. I mean lets face it. This is/was my 3rd pregnancy. That is A LOT on a woman's body, even if you don't make it full term. And not to mention all the crap this does to me emotionally.

I have so many questions and will hopefully get answers. Luke and I will probably have testing done on us to make sure our Chromosomal makeup is OK. We are going to ask to be referred to the UofM so we can see specialists and get this figured out!

Surgery is scheduled for me on Wednesday at 11:15am. My mom is taking the day off of work to be with me and then I am taking Thursday off work as well, my doctor said I will probably have a lot of cramping since I will be almost 14 weeks.

This morning I woke up and walked into our front guest bedroom to open the blinds. I turned around and saw the bassinet that my neighbor and I bought together and it obviously is at my house now because it was supposed to be my turn to use it. Tear started flowing. I am sure I will have many of those moments in the coming weeks. But I just keep telling myself that I made it throught losing 2 babies, I can make it through 3.

Please continue your prayer for us as I know they will be much needed in the coming days and week. I will let you know how I am doing.
As Luke said to someone on the phone ysterday, our score is zero out of 3 right now, hopefully someday that score will have a positive for us.
For now, it is one day at a time.

Life Is Not Kitties and Marshmallows

I am sure most of you have seen that commercial by now for Windows 7, where the little girl makes a slide show. Every time I see that kitty surrounded by marshmallows, I think about life for some reason and the thought goes through my mind that life isn't just kitties and marshmallows.

So Luke and I had a WONDERFUL weekend up in Duluth. We spent Sat. morning watching my dad come through the finish line. Had an annual meal at Angie's Cantina right in Canal Park and then headed w/ the dogs to Goosebury Falls for some sight seeing and hiking. However, we did realize after being there for about an hour and a half that it really isn't as neat and exciting as it was when you were a kid.
Luke surprised me Saturday night and we had dinner at Pickwick's...I had never been there before. We at wonderful smoked whitefish and enjoyed way too much food. A stroll along Lake Superior and we were exhausted.
We came home on Sunday and Luke watched football as I of course took a nap.

Sunday was actually a hard day for me. I think it was the anticipation of knowing that it was this week that I will hopefully find out the destiny of this baby.

The last couple days I have had some very strange dreams and get stressed just thinking about Friday. I am expecting bad news, if good news comes, then great. But I am just not willing to set myself up for more disappointment, I have had enough!

So after Friday I will update again and let you all know how I am doing. Work is going well as I have been SUPER busy, which keeps my mind off of life, which is good. Actually I am still sitting here at my desk and it is 10 to 7pm. So I need to finish this and get home and get some rest. I am back in the end of the month craziness!

Well I hope you all are doing well. I will update when I have more info!

Thanks for your prayers and support!

An Update

Most of you have heard by now, as I did even post last weekend and then deleted it out of sadness, anger and frustration.
Luke and I are pregnant and found out last week that they are 75% sure this baby has a neural tube defect. Our first child, Brian, died of a very rare neural tube defect, anencephaly, we lost him at 21 weeks. We have been extremely saddened by this news. However they aren't 100% sure of the neural tube defect, so we go in next Friday, the 25th of Sept. to have another level 2 ultrasound to hopefully find out the news as to if this baby will be able to live.

Like I said in my previous blog, but deleted. You friends and family can carry the hope for me right now. After the last 2 pregnancies I don't have many hopeful thoughts, but then, God can do miracles......so maybe there is one in store for us, I don't know.

There have just been so many life changes in the past 3 months that this makes things overwhelming. After leaving Executive Title I worked for 2 months at the Recruiting Firm I had worked for before, The Right Staff. I realized that it just wasn't the industry for me and thankfully found a job 10 mins. from home at a Title Co. I am loving my job and it keeps me super busy and my mind of the stresses of this pregnancy. However, it was stressful leaving my previous employer, finding a job, realizing it wasn't for me and then finding a new one.

I tell Luke that if I could make it through 2 lost babies, I know I can make it through a 3rd, but it won't be easy. Questions come up as what will the future look like for us for a family, and I don't know. A lot will depend on next week.

Needless to say we have had a lot going on in the past couple months and I haven't done the best in updating. But this is it.

As for now, we are just trying to cling to each other and God and help each other through another difficult time.

This weekend is our annual weekend up to Duluth for the Rollerblade marathon. I was supposed to do the 1/2 Marathon, but with everything I think I will just take the Finisher T-shirt at the end :) After we watch my dad come through Saturday morning we are planning to head to Goosebury Falls and do some hiking.

On a very happy note....this last weekend I went w/ my sista and mom to start looking at wedding dresses for Sari. We had a good time, and took some fun pics in the dressing room of some crazy dresses Sar tried on.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. I will update you as to when I have more information and how I am doing.

And just so you know, I am doing ok. Thanks for your prayers, they help me through each day!

How Do I Sleep Without You?

The song "How do I live without you" is in my head, except for the words, "How do I sleep without you" should be the words for me after last night. Luke left yesterday for a golf weekend with some neighbors. So after I went to the grocery store and chatted w/ a neighbor I was in bed by 9:30PM and just could NOT fall asleep. Then when I did fall asleep I kept waking up every 1-2 hrs. It was horrible.
Then I had this crazy dream that I was at someone's house and there was a tornado. I ran down to the basement under the stairs and curled up in the fetal position while the tornado swept by. As I looked outside the window and saw different things flying by, A horse, a cow.....just weird. Then I went to my house and Sadie and Hogan were running around outside and the roof had blow off my house and everything was everywhere. Whew, what a dream!
Thankfully that was NOT true.

I am heading up to my cabin this evening for the weekend. I can't wait to sleep in and just relax. Have a great weekend!